Are You Really Who You Say You Are?

There is something funny about the divide between what people say they want and what they actually choose.

Stated preferences versus revealed preferences: you declare one thing, but every action of your life suggests you actually prefer the opposite.

You don’t even notice this contradiction. There’s no flinching, no self-awareness, no pause for reflection.

Take dating for example. It is common, nearly cliché at this point, to hear people lament the use of dating apps. “I prefer meeting people in person,” they say, as they swipe through profiles in bed, half-watching Netflix. They say this with full sincerity, as though they are not actively participating in the very ecosystem they claim to hate. If you truly preferred meeting people in person, would you even have an online dating profile in the first place? Wouldn’t your actions reflect that preference? Wouldn’t you be out in the world, meeting people, rather than tying your romantic fate to an algorithm?

It extends beyond dating, into every aspect of one’s life. People say they want to read more, but they do not pick up books. They say they want to spend less time on their phones, but they reach for them the moment there is a gap in conversation. They say they want deep, meaningful relationships, but they pull away at the first sign of discomfort. Every action they take betrays their stated desires. They are living proof that what you say means nothing.

The most interesting part is that no one seems to experience any cognitive dissonance about this. There’s no friction or moment of discomfort. The contradiction between words and actions should be a kind of psychic crack, but it never is. People are capable of holding two opposing beliefs with the extreme confidence of someone who has never been challenged. They believe, with total certainty, that they want one thing, even as every choice they make prioritizes something else.

And I truly believe this is where identity issues stem from. This is where your identity cracks. Not in some existential crisis, not in some grand moment of revelation, but in the quiet, everyday decisions that do not match the self-image you carry. Because if the life you live does not reflect the life you claim to want, then who are you, really?

This is not about morality. It is not about hypocrisy in some scolding way. I am not criticizing you. I am simply asking if you are the person you say you are?

The problem isn’t that people lie; it’s that they don’t realize they are lying. They genuinely believe they want something, even when every decision they make indicates they do not. And the problem with that kind of blindness is that it leads to an aimless kind of suffering. The nagging feeling that something is wrong, but you don’t know what. The slow erosion of confidence in your own desires. The creeping realization that if you ever meet someone who truly needs the thing you claim to want, they will get it before you every time.

And I am not exempt from this. I say I want connection, but when it is offered to me, I find ways to retreat. I say I want depth, but I avoid the vulnerability that comes with it. It is easy to believe that I want connection, but if I did, wouldn’t I lean into it rather than run away? Wouldn’t I let people know me rather than keep them at arm’s length? Maybe I do not actually want connection the way I think I do. Maybe I just like the idea of it, the comfort of believing that I am someone who desires it, rather than someone who fears what it requires.

Just wanting something is not enough. You will always be lapped by someone who needs it. And need is not about stating a preference. Need is revealed. It is shown in the choices you make and in the decisions that shape your life. Need is what separates the people who get what they say they want from the people who are left wondering why their life never quite matches their vision.

So take a long, hard look at your life. Are you the person you claim to be, or are you just an idea of yourself, a projection, a character you play out of habit? Because if you are not what you say you are, then who, exactly, are you?

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